Monday, May 27, 2013

growing pains

                                            pac choi and cabbage starts from the farmers' market

I got the windowsill garden started again. I so wish I had outdoor space, but in a walk-up, I think I am too lazy to try to do anything with the local community garden (and I don't think they let you plant what you want either). So I will make due with pac choi and cabbage and a couple types of lavender, for now. I am a moth to the flame when it comes to looking at and buying plants..I just lack enough window space to grow what I want to grow. In Portland, I had at least 30 or so plants in my apartment - lots of windows plus a little balcony almost all south facing. Oh how I miss that apartment at times.

.                                                    notice the pigeon on the window sill
I haven't had much time or inclination to post since starting to work on dropping back. The massive anxiety fest is settling down, and I can sleep again, mostly. I changed my nightly routine, stopped drinking my old favorite yogi teas (yeah, they really DO keep me up at night), started using a lot of lavender and started noticing what people and situations are supportive for me. I have been needing more down time lately, or, just preferring to stay at home if the alternative doesn't seem like it would be worth the energy I need to put out for it. My work schedule is still crazy, though I have tried to not stay late whenever possible (unfortunately it included working on the Friday before memorial day...and I supposedly have Fridays least I wasn't angry over it. Bad enough to have to work, but even worse when I have to deal with all the emotional baggage that I normally bring to the situation.

I have noticed that I am not getting as anxious about situations at work lately, including simple (for most people) stuff like calling manufacturers and consultants, or even turning what could have been a very stressful situation last week at work into a mere need for more time to work on what needs to be done.

I can't attribute all this to backbending, though, since a couple weeks ago, I attended a trying yet amazing weekend training on feldenkrais and the voice (got my singing voice back woohoo!) and I have been trying to do some feldenkrais every day. Since then, I have noticed a profound difference in my stress level and in my ability to stay calm(er).

On the mat, it has been a rough month. I am often practicing on not enough sleep, and it goes from hot to cold here overnight, and my body seems to never be used to the temperature in the shala. Most days, I am relieved when I get to navasana, and I know that several of the more challenging poses that follow can be quite volatile. Urdhva mukha paschimattanasana, for one. Today rolling up on my own was out of the question. Other days, coming up from bhuja seems impossible. Not to mention the crazy vinyasa attempts from mari a. I am learing to use more of my lower body rather than my shoulders in order to do the much harder, but I am sure it is better for my shoulders and my emotional state to keep going in this way. Right now, however, it tends to feel like taking 2 steps back rather than one forward. Changing habits is hard, though habits on the mat..way easier to change than habits off the mat.