to j.s., 1977, philip guston
(full moon over my neighborhood)
happy moon day!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
backbending makes me feel like this...
to j.s., 1977, philip guston
(full moon over my neighborhood)
happy moon day!
Monday, April 15, 2013
there is no time
I was going to write about my adventures with trying to de-stress my life, and my decision to give up a friendship that was not serving me at all. Maybe another post, maybe not. Seems a bit irrelevant today..though I am lucky that I live here, and don't have to worry about bombings on a daily basis, as is the case in other parts of the world.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
in which my head does not explode, but my heart goes ka-boom
Well, I survived led primary, and more importantly, the unnecessary but unavoidable (at present) worrying about it.
I wish I had taken photos from the cabride down the FDR..along the east river..seems so quintessentially New York..and a view you never get when you live here- both looking back the Manhattan buildings which face the water..old apartments, Stuyvesant high school (math and science h.s.), housing projects, hospitals...and also seeing across the river,,and the view of highbridge park, probably the worst park in manhattan, as far as safety goes.
Did I need to go to a class of 275 for led primary? In retrospect, probably not. It was good, but not great..I mean how can it be? Plus, I am still in the throes of a lot of panic attack reactions during practice, and during this class was no different. Practicing in very close quarters is not what I want right now. At the first ekam..my heart was pounding. What did I get myself into? Will this chug along too fast for me? The room, a basketball court gym, has terrible acoustics, and the sound of people breathing just disappeared into the ether. I swear it is louder at my shala some days.
Oddly, I found this easier in many ways than when I practice at my shala. Everything is held for less time, but there was a longer break between sides, time to sneak in an extra breath (as I couldn't slow my breath down that much, perhaps Sharath was waiting for everyone to jump back each time? After all those vinyasas, I still was not exactly sure what he meant for us to do). Some asanas couldn't happen in their full expression-- I was afraid of head butting a well known Jivamukti teacher if I tried to roll around in garbha, for example. I didn't exactly have all the staggering on the mat skills for led class down either, or a good sense always of where I was in space (only 1 foot to foot collision in tiryam, even though I tried very hard to stay completely on my normal length mat-impossible for seated unless you are under 5ft tall I think).
In a way, this class snuck up on me, standing and seated were not that bad..but, after backbending, however, I was done for, and started to cry, but as the series moves on..I moved on to the next posture. This was the only place where the practice started to feel relentless, since at the shala, after backbending, I usually go to the other room to finish..and that means a minute or more of rearranging my stuff..ie. a nice fat break! Almost no "rest" at the end too. WTF with that? I didn't know about the -chant before you take rest, so I jumped to seated instead of forward.
There were various differences between the mysore practice and this counted practice. 10 breaths (I think) in shoulderstand, then 8 in everything else til headstand..which went on for a very loooooooong count of 15 (at least 20 breaths by my count). Oh, and when Sharath says "last one", that does not necessarily mean "last one"..it could also mean second to last one...
In the led class, however, there was no time to think about taking too much of a break anywhere or to worry about the next pose. Sharath counts, the group moves and you move with them, more or less. I was surprised that some difficult poses- my nemisis UHP- were easier-no little pep talk required to do the pose needed. It comes, it goes..next! Overall, .mysore practice is much tougher that way. While, I have the group energy there as support, I have to face the resistance, obstacles, etc, in my head that I create, by myself. Maybe that is the point of led class..to see what practice is like with less of those obstacles..so that maybe next time I have my mysore practice, I can take some of that feeling with me. I actually felt pretty energized afterwards, though that didn't last the morning.
After class was over, Sharath gave a short talk. I had a feeling he's been giving a version of this talk for the past 2 weeks. No awkward Q & A this time. Calm and steady your mind via the asanas, the yamas and niyamas, so that you can later experience the other limbs. Don't bother trying to meditate either..you can't make that happen until your mind is calm..and sitting there won't do it. As I practice without my glasses, I couldn't really see how tired Sharath looked (Saraswati did seem tired) until I saw photos posted on facebook. Oh, I do wish they had more rest.
The emotional tempest that practice has been stirring up didn't appear until an hour after practice, which is also when the exhaustion kicked in. (note to self, do not discuss practice with other shala-mates, but I will save that for another post) I guess I did get more energy practicing with that large group, though it didn't seem that way at the time.
No practice report is complete without food. I found a lovely coffeeshop nearby- Bowery Coffee. When I opened the door, I could hear great salsa music- fania all stars - playing. Wish I could have tried their coffee. It was my favorite sort of place, with just a few tables and a little counter, and the people working there were super friendly.
rishi jasmine tea and a peanut butter and jelly doughnut from the doughnut plant - yummmmmmm
I wish I had taken photos from the cabride down the FDR..along the east river..seems so quintessentially New York..and a view you never get when you live here- both looking back the Manhattan buildings which face the water..old apartments, Stuyvesant high school (math and science h.s.), housing projects, hospitals...and also seeing across the river,,and the view of highbridge park, probably the worst park in manhattan, as far as safety goes.
Did I need to go to a class of 275 for led primary? In retrospect, probably not. It was good, but not great..I mean how can it be? Plus, I am still in the throes of a lot of panic attack reactions during practice, and during this class was no different. Practicing in very close quarters is not what I want right now. At the first ekam..my heart was pounding. What did I get myself into? Will this chug along too fast for me? The room, a basketball court gym, has terrible acoustics, and the sound of people breathing just disappeared into the ether. I swear it is louder at my shala some days.
Oddly, I found this easier in many ways than when I practice at my shala. Everything is held for less time, but there was a longer break between sides, time to sneak in an extra breath (as I couldn't slow my breath down that much, perhaps Sharath was waiting for everyone to jump back each time? After all those vinyasas, I still was not exactly sure what he meant for us to do). Some asanas couldn't happen in their full expression-- I was afraid of head butting a well known Jivamukti teacher if I tried to roll around in garbha, for example. I didn't exactly have all the staggering on the mat skills for led class down either, or a good sense always of where I was in space (only 1 foot to foot collision in tiryam, even though I tried very hard to stay completely on my normal length mat-impossible for seated unless you are under 5ft tall I think).
In a way, this class snuck up on me, standing and seated were not that bad..but, after backbending, however, I was done for, and started to cry, but as the series moves on..I moved on to the next posture. This was the only place where the practice started to feel relentless, since at the shala, after backbending, I usually go to the other room to finish..and that means a minute or more of rearranging my stuff..ie. a nice fat break! Almost no "rest" at the end too. WTF with that? I didn't know about the -chant before you take rest, so I jumped to seated instead of forward.
There were various differences between the mysore practice and this counted practice. 10 breaths (I think) in shoulderstand, then 8 in everything else til headstand..which went on for a very loooooooong count of 15 (at least 20 breaths by my count). Oh, and when Sharath says "last one", that does not necessarily mean "last one"..it could also mean second to last one...
In the led class, however, there was no time to think about taking too much of a break anywhere or to worry about the next pose. Sharath counts, the group moves and you move with them, more or less. I was surprised that some difficult poses- my nemisis UHP- were easier-no little pep talk required to do the pose needed. It comes, it goes..next! Overall, .mysore practice is much tougher that way. While, I have the group energy there as support, I have to face the resistance, obstacles, etc, in my head that I create, by myself. Maybe that is the point of led class..to see what practice is like with less of those obstacles..so that maybe next time I have my mysore practice, I can take some of that feeling with me. I actually felt pretty energized afterwards, though that didn't last the morning.
After class was over, Sharath gave a short talk. I had a feeling he's been giving a version of this talk for the past 2 weeks. No awkward Q & A this time. Calm and steady your mind via the asanas, the yamas and niyamas, so that you can later experience the other limbs. Don't bother trying to meditate either..you can't make that happen until your mind is calm..and sitting there won't do it. As I practice without my glasses, I couldn't really see how tired Sharath looked (Saraswati did seem tired) until I saw photos posted on facebook. Oh, I do wish they had more rest.
The emotional tempest that practice has been stirring up didn't appear until an hour after practice, which is also when the exhaustion kicked in. (note to self, do not discuss practice with other shala-mates, but I will save that for another post) I guess I did get more energy practicing with that large group, though it didn't seem that way at the time.
No practice report is complete without food. I found a lovely coffeeshop nearby- Bowery Coffee. When I opened the door, I could hear great salsa music- fania all stars - playing. Wish I could have tried their coffee. It was my favorite sort of place, with just a few tables and a little counter, and the people working there were super friendly.
rishi jasmine tea and a peanut butter and jelly doughnut from the doughnut plant - yummmmmmm
before and after
people setting up at the chinatown ymca..730am (i am not in the photo, fyi)
camera shy even while taking rest at the end of practice. i am in the 3rd row,
using my rug as a blanket and a purple towel on my head.
using my rug as a blanket and a purple towel on my head.
i will write more on this soon, but have to do other things first, like my taxes.
i did not, as i feared i would, explode like the monty python guy, from led primary. would i do it again..not in this sort of 300 person circumstance.
Friday, April 12, 2013
what was i so worried about?
I at least won't have to go into work this weekend. Felt like I finally caught up a little, and I can only do so much. Working on the weekend (hmm. I honestly can't remember the last time I had to do this) would just exhaust me further, and I really need a break this weekend. I almost look forward to when my boss returns, just to be free of random interruptions by the new coworker to be shown cool things on the computer.
Going to cab it to the chinatown Y tomorrow for led primary. Better than worrying about the long trek by subway.
Continued panic attack feeling during practice today. Even in backbending. OY. That was HARD. I have to work on changing my routine (goodbye ginger and coffee and things like that, though I still had decaf at work..which didn't help me feel awake and made me jittery). I could barely feel anything today during practice, except panic and sadness, and afterwards I was so sore and tired. In the finishing room, I set my rug next to my mat, to create a little space for myself, because I was feeling emotional, and don't want to cry with someone a foot away from me. The room wasn't full at all, and there is plenty of space for people to set up. So, someone sets up near my mat and below my rug...grrr. I was feeling the need for space! This same person set up 2 inches away from me the day before when I was in standing, and I fell out of my pose, and freaked out. Really, they had to be that close? I'm not always like that about space, but in my present state of mind, I seem to need more personal space.
Drinking lemon zinger tea (hope that won't keep me up..) and finishing a late post dinner snack of kale with miso and brown rice.
Anyway, for all my worrying about it, led primary can't be too much worse than how practice felt today. What will be will be. Even a half primary would be good with that big group.
Can't get this song out of my head today..seems apt too.
Going to cab it to the chinatown Y tomorrow for led primary. Better than worrying about the long trek by subway.
Continued panic attack feeling during practice today. Even in backbending. OY. That was HARD. I have to work on changing my routine (goodbye ginger and coffee and things like that, though I still had decaf at work..which didn't help me feel awake and made me jittery). I could barely feel anything today during practice, except panic and sadness, and afterwards I was so sore and tired. In the finishing room, I set my rug next to my mat, to create a little space for myself, because I was feeling emotional, and don't want to cry with someone a foot away from me. The room wasn't full at all, and there is plenty of space for people to set up. So, someone sets up near my mat and below my rug...grrr. I was feeling the need for space! This same person set up 2 inches away from me the day before when I was in standing, and I fell out of my pose, and freaked out. Really, they had to be that close? I'm not always like that about space, but in my present state of mind, I seem to need more personal space.
Drinking lemon zinger tea (hope that won't keep me up..) and finishing a late post dinner snack of kale with miso and brown rice.
Anyway, for all my worrying about it, led primary can't be too much worse than how practice felt today. What will be will be. Even a half primary would be good with that big group.
Can't get this song out of my head today..seems apt too.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
backbending side effects
more sensitive to everything..smells, places, people, food...
more anxiety and emotional ups and downs. i didn't know it was possible to have panic attacks during practice..not during backbending, but earlier on.
harder to sleep and to focus at times
bandhas definitely have gone on vacation..though they only visited occasionally before
tired back muscles and leg muscles..though the back thing is more noticeable.
hopefully these will lessen with time..some of these started even before the dropping back started..
and it is not helping that I have started on dropping back right in the middle of the most busy and stressful time I have had at my job in years. My boss went on vacation and left me with too much work, a new coworker (nice, but chatty, and it is just new energy to deal with), and a new computer system that is not yet working (every day it is different, programs work one day, and don't work the next...remote i.t. company is not that much help either). i know this is just more opportunity for practice..but, have to say..not doing so well with it. mostly irritated and stressed out. when I finally get downtime, I don't want to see anyone or answer my phone or email. vacation. i. need. one.
more anxiety and emotional ups and downs. i didn't know it was possible to have panic attacks during practice..not during backbending, but earlier on.
harder to sleep and to focus at times
bandhas definitely have gone on vacation..though they only visited occasionally before
tired back muscles and leg muscles..though the back thing is more noticeable.
hopefully these will lessen with time..some of these started even before the dropping back started..
and it is not helping that I have started on dropping back right in the middle of the most busy and stressful time I have had at my job in years. My boss went on vacation and left me with too much work, a new coworker (nice, but chatty, and it is just new energy to deal with), and a new computer system that is not yet working (every day it is different, programs work one day, and don't work the next...remote i.t. company is not that much help either). i know this is just more opportunity for practice..but, have to say..not doing so well with it. mostly irritated and stressed out. when I finally get downtime, I don't want to see anyone or answer my phone or email. vacation. i. need. one.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
when did ecover sell out?
Re-soaking my clothes in vinegar and lavendar castille soap, in what will likely be a futile attempt to get the stink of Ecover's Natural Delicate wash out of them! There was nothing natural in the ingredients...totally different product. Sodium laurel sulfate and other nasty ingredients in it now...and a really gnarly fragrance. Why do people need fragrances added to everything? And why is it so damn hard to find fragrance free delicate wash in this city?
Hoping lavender castille soap and vinegar will be enough for hand washing yoga clothes this week. I am actually going to return the nasty "delicate wash" to the store and complain.
And if that's not enough, discovered that the subway is not running on saturday..to my stop..so it will be shuttle bus and 2 subways at 6am, or cab (40-50 bucks including tip) at 620am, in order to get to led primary by 7am. Not going to chance getting there late.
Rant out.
Hoping lavender castille soap and vinegar will be enough for hand washing yoga clothes this week. I am actually going to return the nasty "delicate wash" to the store and complain.
And if that's not enough, discovered that the subway is not running on saturday..to my stop..so it will be shuttle bus and 2 subways at 6am, or cab (40-50 bucks including tip) at 620am, in order to get to led primary by 7am. Not going to chance getting there late.
Rant out.
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