Mysore, week 3

I can't believe i have less than 2 weeks left here. This week i seemed to need much more sleep, though i haven't managed to catch up at all. The week started out very solitary, which is my preference here, and ended with more social activities than i normally do at home. I am in real need of solitude this weekend. And sleep.

Yesterday I went to a wonderful talk by ani samten chodron, on the meaning of the Buddhist mantra "on mane padme hum". I was really touched by how the mantra is used, that it can be carved into stones and then walls are made with these stones. I would like to see those some day. I also found out that this mantra must be chanted out loud to work.

Today I have stayed relatively close to home, venturing out on an ill fated trip to get a thali. Thalis here are not dinner, only lunch. Which was too bad since I napped this afternoon, rather than rush out for lunch. I have been discovering that places often close in the afternoon, just as I want to venture out.

The shala is emptying out for the holidays. I actually had space on either side of me during led today. Shambhav showed up at the end of led class, announcing himself, calling out "8"! While we were in headstand ( I think). He saved us from an interminable utpluthih today too :), or perhaps sharath thought we all needed a break after two 6 day weeks in a row. Shambhav returned during conference, wandering in and out, and doing his best to distract everyone. Sharath never scolds him; he lets him be a kid, which is quite lovely to see. I suspect sharath is the least distracted by shambhav's hilarious antics. I think the real lesson of conference today was their interaction, and sharath's focus, more so than the things he was saying about the practice.

notes from a solitary day

mysore, week 2

It's already about halfway through my time here.

I am amazed at how little i get done here in a day. Practice, eat breakfast, wash clothes, make dinner. And that is it. Maybe some painting or drawing but much less than i would like. Everything seems like that. I have to accept doing less, less reading, less feldenkrais (almost none), less socializing, less ambitious in my practice too (shala is too crowded for that anyway). Maybe the trip is more about letting stuff go for me...

I thought it would be great to meet lots of other yoga people, but the reality is that meeting lots of people is exhausting and sometimes irritating (boundaries!) I'm an introvert, and would rather email than talk in person half the time. Sometimes i think if one more person asks me if i practice at eddie's, or what i do for a living, or how long i am here for...i will scream. I dont like small talk, and dont make friends easily. That said, I have met some lovely people, who seem to be evidence that this practice works. Whether it will work for me...that is tbd. Here I mostly feel more aware of how I haven't changed, of how things or people or situations push my buttons.

Such as wanting to murder the woman by the wall on the stage when she wanted more space at the wall...she had tons for a led class here, and wanted me to move my mat onto thr edge of the stage (it was about 1.5 inches from the edge)...and then she stops after supta kurmasana! (Hence not needing extra space at all). Good thing sharath doesn't read minds!

Or dealing with the security (huh?) guy at my guest house, who does nothing when you ask him for help, and then acts friendly all the sudden because he is about to ask you for a loan (wtf!)

Or trying to get anything fixed at my place...

Or buying groceries.

Or getting lost going everywhere. Feeling convinced that the streets and houses reorganized themselves when I tried to retrace my steps.

Or being afraid of getting lost and not exploring the area.

Or dealing with the rickshaws, which seem to have a cartel near the shala.

I have also felt truly lonely here too...in a really deep way. And all my little feelgood fixes don't work.

But there have also been really good things too...

Having a couple young kids be so absorbed in watching you paint...sitting at your elbow, literally. Seeing their absorption is far more interesting than anything else.

Befriending some of the outdoor dogs...

Walking through an older part of the town, seeing the mix of new and old buildings. The mix of bright colors everywhere.

Cows! Seeing cows grazing, and then rounded up by their owners to be taken home and milked.

Having fresh coconuts and then going for indian breakfast after practice.

Running into people I really want to see and having a good conversation with them. Having the time for it (unlike at home, where everyone, me included, runs around like rabbit)

And of course, practicing at the shala. The energy there is different than any I have experienced. Calmer, steadier. Quiet. How 70 people or more practicing can make less noise than 10 at my shala back home...a mystery. The soundtrack to practice is your breath and the breath of those near you, punctuated by sharath calling, one more, two more, short one, etc. I have a late start time, and lately by the time I finish assisted, no one else is waiting in the foyer for my spot. I am starting to calm down on my practice, and slow down, focusing on my breath more than I do at home. Practice here is strangely calmer than at home, when I was expecting the opposite.

I know that I want to come back.

night life

Taken on my way to dinner. The tea stall is on my street. 

arrival

On my walk to the shala this morning for led class. The end of my first week, more or less, in mysore

I have been here just over a week, and am reasonably settled in. Everything seems to take much longer here (except for my practice, which has oddly speeded up). Even arrival takes longer, physically,I am here in mysore...but part of me is still in transit, or back home, or just somewhere else. Slowly I get used to things here, and feel like more of myself is truly here.

And nothing is ever what i thought it would be. Starting with the taxi ride from bangalore. I arrived at 5am, which meant i whizzed through immigration and such, the airport being empty at that time. I make my way to the exit, and find my driver, who doesn't know any English (which makes us even as i know no hindi or kannada, and am not sure if my few words of sanskrit would be of use). I had heard all sorts of stories about the ride to mysore

Which luckily dont seem to be true, at least this time. It's hard to summarize the journey, theway there is so much construction but so much stuff falling apart, the garbage everywhere and the cows, which seemed to turn up where you would least expect them. Oh, and the honking every time you approach another vehicle. Seems insane, but it works.( I actually feel safer on the street here than in nyc, in terms of being sure drivers see me)

After riding for about half an hour, i really started to wonder, was i even going to mysore. We started on a highway that was, well, a highway, then we turned off that road, or perhaps it merely morphed into another sort of road, one that snaked through small cities with no real division between them. Mind you, i had not bothered to change any money at the airport, and my phone battery was running low. The road we were on was nothing like the 4 lane highway that i had envisioned, based on the email from the person arranging the cab. Finally we end up on a road that was about 1 and 1/2 lanes wide, and the smaller vehicles would make way for the larger ones. We stopped,  and my driver got out; i was mystified,  was he going to pee or have a smoke? I realized later there must have been a tea stall nearby. At this point, i am wondering, did i get in the right cab? Instead of panic, i start to think, well, so i take an extra day to get to Mysore,  i still have dollars.

The driver returns, and we make a u turn and retrace our way to a slightly wider road. Hmm, were we lost? It was another 20 minutes or so before i finally saw a sign on the side of the road saying bangalore-mysore road. It dawned on me, finally, a 4 lane highway here is nothing like a 4 lane highway back home.

So far, my stay, even practice at the shala, has been like that-completely different from what i had envisioned when i was home. Nice to have all my expectations upended.

I

waiting

At jfk, waiting for my flight out. Still feels surreal, in 24 hours i will be in mysore.

International terminal at jfk is much nicer than the domestic ones.

Looking forward to being in mysore instead of anxious about being there, or traveling, or a million other things. I keep wanting to call my dad, and tell him about packing
Or my plans there, or comparing routes to the airport, or whatever, and then i remember. Makes me so sad inside..hard to breathe at times, it hurts so much. It's interesting, in one way, since i really sucked at keeping in touch while he was alive. I wonder if this is one of the thongs that mysore will transform in some way.

I do love airports.

t minus 10 days

No, i am not really counting down the days til i leave. Though perhaps a countdown would be appropriate, since it is a bit like blasting off into the unknown. I can't believe that in 10 days i will be going to mysore. I keep feeling like it is off in the distant future,  but that isn't the case anymore. I know I'm supposed to be excited, but i feel more that i am accepting that i am going rather than looking forward to it. Although i am very much looking forward to 5 weeks  of not working. I guess i picked a pretty extreme trip for my first trip abroad on my own. I never was good with planning, or travel. It's been quite some time since i have been on a plane...and the thought of crossing an ocean is still a bit unnerving.

For most of the fall, it seemed like everyone i told was more excited for me than i was. I was terrified, but i felt so strongly that i had to go at least once. And that is what pushed me to do this. I'm sure i will find it funny at some point that i was sooo nervous, but not yet. I have been going for acupuncture to help deal with all my anxiety, about the trip and about the state of my daily life these days. That has been really helpful for me.

My dislike of change off the mat is the same as on the mat. this fall i also started second series, which initially felt like...be careful what you wish for. Just adding one (yes one) pose utterly exhausted me. It's a bit better now, but i am not wishing for more anytime soon.

So far my preparations for the trip have mostly been to cook a lot of indian food. Since i decided to go a few things worked out quite nicely-a messy tax situation worked out in my favor, and my stepmom was super supportive of my going, which pretty much shocked me. I have been carrying around the card she sent as a good luck charm.

I have also been taking a lot of walks
to relax and to take in the city in the fall

Central park on Friday.  So beautiful but also sad when the leaves fall.