waffles purify the body (sharath's led)

If you are expecting me to wax poetical about practicing with 300 other ashtangis...you can stop here..that's not who I am..and I (sadly) suspect no amount of practice will change that. It feels more like a flash mob with a purpose..than some amazing breathing and moving in unison experience..For the most part, I was not even all that aware of the crowd in the room.

I survived, just barely. How I will do this in December, in mysore, in a much warmer room, is a mystery. how people do this at all is a mystery, I was never athletic, and led feels so much more like a test of endurance.

I know there was a bit of a conference after, but i was too busy crying or trying not to cry to hear most of what he said. I never do led classes here, this being only my 2nd led class ever (when sharath was in nyc for a day..that was my first). It doesn't feel like this was the intention of the practice. ..but that's me. I have always preferred to do things in my own timing. Savasana was 1 minute. And it looked like no one else had a problem with that! Hard to imagine starting the nerve cleansing of second when primary does such a number on me lately. This time there ware so many points where I wanted to bag the whole practice and have cry on my mat..it..was...sooooooo....hard...today. Silly me, I thought over a year of practicing full primary would make it easier.

I ended up forking out for a cab down there, as I was still sick, though much better than yesterday.  It would have been an hour by subway, and that's with nothing going wrong, which at 6am, would have been unlikely. Wish they would hold these a bit further uptown. The gym at the Chinatown y has zero ambiance. Even I would need to stay with someone downtown if I had wanted to do the week of classes, this location seems geared to people who practice at eddie's.

Practice was full of bloopers- I almost fell over in parvitta trikonasna (!?!), I was completely confused by which poses we are supposed to stagger ourselves for..as that didn't happen at all, and I jumped through to sit at the end rather than to stand for the closing chant (although I do it correctly in my own practice, and I am pretty sure I was the only one who did that). I also seemed to be the earliest back into downdog on each vinyasa..though I felt like I wasn't rushing either.. It was a huge relief to finish my attempt at supta K and play garbha bumper cars. Ut pluththi was interminable, he had not yet counted 1 and I was on 3! Needless to say, I came down a couple times to rest, so I could be only just ready to collapse at 10. Sharath has an excellent sense of when to slow down to drive us all nuts.

I think I need to do the class to prepare for india, but I do hope this is not representative of how the practice will feel there. I have to decide if it's worth doing all this again tomorrow, since I also have my appointment for my indian visa. I will probably go. I wonder if it will be a lot less crowded on a weekday.

One interesting thing, that since i didn't do dropbacks today, I was a lot less hungry after practice.  Or maybe that is just from the led practice being so much shorter than my normal practice. I stopped at bowery coffee for a muffin and tea..the amazing donuts were long gone :(

when conditions are right

i am going to mysore this year. December. 

I am still a bit in shock..that I managed to finally get myself to commit to going (getting past the fear..the endless panic attacks during practice as thoughts of going to mysore would cause, even though I have wanted to go for as long as I have been practicing..maybe even a bit longer, as i used to read ashtanga blogs and that is what got me to start practicing ashtanga instead of jivamukti flow classes). I have my confirmation, and the time off from my employer..mysteriously, this was very easy to get. In the past, I once quit this same job to get 3 weeks off in a row..and another time, my employer pretended that I only asked for 1 week off rather than 2...so this is huge for me. But it is not just my employer that has changed..but me. I can deal with these situations with more grace than before..they don't become something which paralyzes me (though many many things still do that for me) into total inaction. 

I am the sort of person who waits waits waits for things to be easier..when x happens..then I can do y..like my life is some sort of math theorem. The trouble with this..is that conditions are never "right" on their own..you have to make them right, work with them, nudge them a bit (at least), and I am always hesitant to act. I can invent a million reasons in my head why it won't work, why I should wait another week, month, year...lifetime. I am really good at seeming to be patient..but it is not patience..

A lot of things have changed for me this summer..and that convergence made the thought of india..possible, again. I feel like some sort of weight has been lifted. As a friend of mine reminded me tonight..things are going, actually..well, for me. something I would rarely admit to until recently.

My commitment to go came about in a totally impulsive way. I had gone out on a date with a guy I met on the train who I liked a lot..but realized that evening, that there was no possible chance of relationship with him, even though I let him come back to my place. It had been a really long time since I have done that. I had a really intense dream while he was sleeping next to me..which made things feel really clear..I had to attend to myself..or else the changes that were starting to happen this year would not be sustained..I knew this already..but i have been ignoring it. I have been getting burned out working, teaching and doing the feldenkrais training without any sort of break for 3 years. It's awfully hard to listen to yourself..especially when you are constantly on the go (so it seems) in a noisy city like new york.

I realized that if I didn't go..and soon, I might never go at all, that is - the fear would win..and that I would so completely regret never trying, never going..more than anything else I can think of right now. It doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense financially to go while I am in the felden training (and i have a lot of work i need to be doing for that, as well as a lot of doubts over what i am doing with that at all) and while I have some other issues to deal with..and my job which always seems precarious (my mind needs something to worry about, always)..though I am learning to be better about it. I never thought I could get the time off..especially once my employer let go the other guy working in the office...how would he go for for me leaving for a month..even over the normally slow month of december? 

As my teacher says..when the time is right, the obstacles disappear..I never would have believed it before. So here I go ..to mysore, for my 47th birthday. woohoo.