when conditions are right

i am going to mysore this year. December. 

I am still a bit in shock..that I managed to finally get myself to commit to going (getting past the fear..the endless panic attacks during practice as thoughts of going to mysore would cause, even though I have wanted to go for as long as I have been practicing..maybe even a bit longer, as i used to read ashtanga blogs and that is what got me to start practicing ashtanga instead of jivamukti flow classes). I have my confirmation, and the time off from my employer..mysteriously, this was very easy to get. In the past, I once quit this same job to get 3 weeks off in a row..and another time, my employer pretended that I only asked for 1 week off rather than 2...so this is huge for me. But it is not just my employer that has changed..but me. I can deal with these situations with more grace than before..they don't become something which paralyzes me (though many many things still do that for me) into total inaction. 

I am the sort of person who waits waits waits for things to be easier..when x happens..then I can do y..like my life is some sort of math theorem. The trouble with this..is that conditions are never "right" on their own..you have to make them right, work with them, nudge them a bit (at least), and I am always hesitant to act. I can invent a million reasons in my head why it won't work, why I should wait another week, month, year...lifetime. I am really good at seeming to be patient..but it is not patience..

A lot of things have changed for me this summer..and that convergence made the thought of india..possible, again. I feel like some sort of weight has been lifted. As a friend of mine reminded me tonight..things are going, actually..well, for me. something I would rarely admit to until recently.

My commitment to go came about in a totally impulsive way. I had gone out on a date with a guy I met on the train who I liked a lot..but realized that evening, that there was no possible chance of relationship with him, even though I let him come back to my place. It had been a really long time since I have done that. I had a really intense dream while he was sleeping next to me..which made things feel really clear..I had to attend to myself..or else the changes that were starting to happen this year would not be sustained..I knew this already..but i have been ignoring it. I have been getting burned out working, teaching and doing the feldenkrais training without any sort of break for 3 years. It's awfully hard to listen to yourself..especially when you are constantly on the go (so it seems) in a noisy city like new york.

I realized that if I didn't go..and soon, I might never go at all, that is - the fear would win..and that I would so completely regret never trying, never going..more than anything else I can think of right now. It doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense financially to go while I am in the felden training (and i have a lot of work i need to be doing for that, as well as a lot of doubts over what i am doing with that at all) and while I have some other issues to deal with..and my job which always seems precarious (my mind needs something to worry about, always)..though I am learning to be better about it. I never thought I could get the time off..especially once my employer let go the other guy working in the office...how would he go for for me leaving for a month..even over the normally slow month of december? 

As my teacher says..when the time is right, the obstacles disappear..I never would have believed it before. So here I go ..to mysore, for my 47th birthday. woohoo.