Tuesday, February 26, 2013

and it's back on..

My new 4 day a week schedule. New project came through in the end. Meanwhile, I already re-signed my lease, thinking the new project schedule, pay, etc would not happen, so why (and how!) could I move and pay more than I do now. I may have to re-think that decision in a couple months, but for now, at least, I don't want to revisit it.

It's been a month of rethinking everything. Stay in my feldenkrais training, or quit; do a yoga teacher training, or not; move to a new apartment, or stay in my place; look for another p/t job (ok, never got far on that one), move out of nyc; stay at the shala, or practice at home to save $. And so on. Self-doubt is exhausting, mentally and physically. It is as if mercury retrograde arrived 3 weeks early.

Overall, more hours and much needed additional pay will be welcome. Maybe now that it is a done deal, it will be easier for me to cope with it. All this month, my feelings of being overwhelmed have been seeping back into my practice. Today I had to fight off a really strong desire to start crying on my mat, because I just couldn't do my last pose. While this is nothing new, not being able to do it without an assist, the frustration was new..and was not just about the pose. I couldn't manage to feel playful about it, which is my desired attitude when working on hard poses. I did manage to stay put, make another attempt, and go on and finish my practice. Backbending has been improving, slowly. I discovered last week, in fact, that placing my hands a bit wider at least allows me to breathe a bit easier.

I fear working on dropping back (and the ever mysterious coming back up-this seems completely impossible, yet I see people do it every day)  is coming...soon.

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