we have lift off

Friday I discovered that I can make a little bounce after I land my dropback. It is amazing what you can discover when you are too tired to mentally resist what your body seems to want to do. Mostly, this works best if my teacher is right there to catch me and bring me the rest of the way up. Apparently, the hardest part of standing up again is supposed to be getting the hands off the floor. Wish I could say how it is done, but it is still a bit murky. Seems to depend on -strong legs going down to the floor making for a softer landing and keeping my pelvis as far forward as I can on the way down. The other thing that I think helped me get to this point of being able to shift my weight forward was a crazy -undulation- atm lesson that we did in the training. It was about flow and by focusing on the flow of the small movements (pressing different body parts into the ground in sequence) rather than perfectly making each movement, I was able to better synchronize movements with my arms and legs. This is what led to my first (scary!) experience last week, of shifting weight into my legs so that my hands could unweight themselves in a backbend.

The feldenkrais training was exhausting last week. I passed my teaching test, which was no great surprise, since they pretty much pass everyone. I ended up teaching a 45-50 min lesson to a class of 15-20, by myself, after my group imploded..i.e. the incredibly passive aggressive and angry woman I had inherited as a partner blew up at the head of the program. I am too old to work with people who don't contribute and that are just too difficult to work with. Teaching by myself was really valuable, but it made me soooo stressed out before. I still have not had a full night's sleep, and I taught on Sunday. Hoping to get it together to do some volunteer teaching for the parks department here this fall - they offer free fitness classes - and feldenkrais counts for that. Would like to find some other teaching opportunities as well.

Cloud Watching

I have started getting ready in earnest for my teaching authorization in my Feldenkrais program. That means trying to figure out what language works best when I teach my test lesson, both for giving directions on the actual movements and for the other process related stuff, like reminding people to move slowly, rest often, and breathe. I need to come up with some commentary on my lesson. It is a foot lesson, but really about orientation in space. The movements in the lesson are not difficult when you are in a typical orientation - with the foot standing on the floor. When the floor is taken away, however, the formerly simple movements become more challenging. We are so used to having the floor to tell us where "neutral" is for our feet. What about when it is not there? Why does it often feel like it is somewhere else..and if that is what you do when you have no floor as reference..you probably carry that extra effort in your leg and foot muscles into your daily life..standing, walking, running, etc.

In the primary series, think about where your hands seem to be in space the next time you are in prasarita C, if they don't reach the floor. The first time my hands touched the floor (with an assist), I was completely discombobulated. My first reaction was that I was touching the ceiling. No joke. Our awareness of what our limbs are doing in space behind us is not as developed as when they are in front of us.

The few times I have practiced teaching the lesson, it has been really fascinating to watch the people on the floor move. Granted, my "class" has been only one or two people at time, but I can see that this will be really interesting to do.

Post practice cloud watching in Central Park last Sunday. When I stepped onto the grass near Strawberry Fields, I could feel the steam rising from the ground. Luckily it wasn't so bad in the shade.

cranky

yeah, the summer heat makes me cranky.

Finally survived (barely) all my work deadlines. Enough at least to want to hibernate most of the holiday weekend, which was easier to do than usual, because of the rest day plus a rather late ladies holiday. I did get to practice teach my atm lesson to friends in my training program, and that was very very enlightening. The major challenge of the teaching test isn't figuring out the atm lesson (although my lesson is a foot lesson..and not easy for me to do), but working with the other members of my teaching group --which has been nothing short of utter disaster..one is injured and probably won't participate and the other is on the "difficult" side..though she doesn't mean to be that way, and I have been working so much last month that I had hardly any time for dealing with this. Somehow I also became the organizer of the group. bleah!

Practice has been tough, but it is what has been holding me together, so to speak. I am having a new round of emotional reactions to practice. Crankiness, crossness and general irritability afterwards (dropback induced I bet) or just plain ole sadness. Sunday, I really needed to have a good cry right after, but the shala wasn't empty and I didn't have enough time before sanskrit class. Other days I find myself starting to panic in savasana - I can feel myself not breathing (enough). Very very disconcerting. Still, I feel better and more grounded on the whole the days I practice than the days I do not.

And there are the dropbacks. It is getting a bit easier. I am now fairly convinced I can land on the ground..still pretty much stuck once I land. I can walk in a bit, but I think I am scared of getting myself in the correct configuration to come back up (if we just stop and imagine that I have the strength to come back up..which I dont think i have yet..but stranger things have happened.) Thus far, the best day was sometime last week, when my teacher made a point of doing less to bring me back up from the ground. Whoa.

Glad I only have 2 more weeks (today included) til I am off for a week, for my 10 day training. Hopefully in August, I will finally get out of town for a bit.

harvest

From the windowsill garden. ok, it isn't much more than a symbolic addition to my meal..but it is satisfying to grow even a tiny portion of my food.

plus the hot weather means I probably won't have much more growth from the plants.

6 dropbacks today. 3 on my own. my low back can really feel it this week. I am bendier and less strong in the heat.  Then again, being able to do supta K on my own is nice. As far as dropbacks go -- all I am working on is getting more comfortable with the idea of dropping back. My breath is constantly out of sync on the way back up..and on my own, I am pretty much beached on the ground once I land. My teacher and others at the shala make it look so graceful.

pre moon day chaos

Really wondering if there is something in the air out here..

Came into work to get a passive aggressive email threatening my job if I don't "work harder" and stop coming in "late", sent not to me privately, but to the company email that my coworker can see as well...wtf? To clarify, I have worked for this firm for over 10 years, and never received anything like this ever or even a hint of some of the issues raised (other than my interminable lateness..which was ok by my boss as of 2 months ago)

Then one of my teaching test group wants to jump to another group (ok, that could be a blessing in disguise)

Good practice today, despite all the chaos I later walked into. Last night I had a major anxiety attack over my inability to have time to practice the feldenkrais enough. Didn't help that I felt really vulnerable and tired and pms-y last night going home on the train, after my friends practiced on me. So I decided to sleep in, til 6am..though I didn't even get close to 5 hours last night. My breathing, however, was steady, thanks to the feldenkrais.

I need a vacation from my life. Dreaming about jobs that I can do, that I like.

Field trip

Got to escape the office this morning, which is always a good feeling.

Practice was really good today, despite even less sleep than the night before. I guess the dropbacks from yesterday must be the reason. Today I could feel that point where it would be possible to come up, if I could  push into my legs..or something like that. Weird feeling. No energy crash after practice, which didn't surprise me as my breathing and focus were better. Interesting how the two are connected for me.

After work, I met up with some friends in my feldenkrais program, to practice a bit. Because we are a group of 3, and I am really timid about trying to work on anyone when someone else seems more sure of themselves than I am, I got to watch and to be worked on. Left feeling really good, like I might actually sleep well tonight, for the first time in 2 weeks. Then again, I have to be up before 6am, and its just past 11 now. Good thing tomorrow is friday.

i need one of these

yes, I need a duplicator...if only it were so easy.

The mental exhaustion and the dropbacks continue. Today was one of those -I think I'll put my teacup in the refrigerator days. Couldn't remember which number surya I was on..during the A's. Always a bad sign. All my breathing/sound tics and weepy feelings were back this morning..and my focus was on vacation, except for the mid section of seated...hard NOT to focus on bhuja thru kukkatasana. At least now I sort of know that the breathing and whimpering thing..it's a sign of any sort of mental and/or emotional overload. Dropbacks were uneventful..other than there were...5! I land on my own, and then try to figure out how to walk my hands in..and move the weight forward. I'm in no rush here..can't imagine adding anything to my practice for quite some time.

Afterwards, I was shell shocked from the extra backbending..then wiped out for a couple hours. Hope I sleep tonight..don't have high hopes on catching up on sleep til friday night.

Now where did I stash a cardboard box?